Karen Brown Writings

The Elusiveness of Wholeness -Gaye D. Holman Is wholeness a state of mind? A way of life? an unobtainable dream? The more thought I give to the question of wholeness, the more I doubt if it can exist. Oxford defines wholeness as a condition of harmonious whole and a state of being unbroken and undamaged. That's a big ask. Is it possible for a person to truly experience wholeness? Certainly, there are enough workshops, retreats, articles, and conversations about it to be obvious that this is a desired condition. But in this imperfect world, can any of us be completely harmonious, unbroken, or undamaged? Probably not, my cynical self says. I think it's more likely that if a person claims to be whole, in reality they are not. And those who know they fall agonizingly short of the definition, may be closer to wholeness than anyone knows. I spent my professional life working in the criminal justice system, getting to know men and women who have fallen so short of wholeness that they are banished from society. I have written about their shared agonies, comforted them as they cried in private over the harm they have done to others. I've been cussed by victims and their families as I put words to my perceptions that we are moving our justice system away from wholeness, making the world a meaner place for all of us. These days I'm continually reminded of a high-profile crime that occurred in my city thirty-six years ago. Three young people, heavily into drugs, were responsible for the grizzly stabbing death of a young man from a fairly prominent family. Urged on by his sociopathic wife who wanted his insurance money, two friends fell under her spell, stabbed the husband to death, and dumped his body into the lake of a well-known golf course in town, making the headlines even larger. the murderous trio received life sentences with the possibility of parole after twenty-five years. I became well-acquainted with the two women involved. One became my clerk in my prison education job. I worked beside Karen for years, and kept in touch with her after I left. Through letters, she frequently shared her anguish about her past actions as well as her desire to be free. "Born again" into a life of religion, Karen yearned to live rest of her life in service to the victim's memory. She has accomplished much in her years in prison and remains free of any disciplinary problems. She chose jobs that she felt would benefit others-recording books in braille, training dogs for the disabled, and serving the chapel programs. She approached the parole board on the fourth, and last time armed with a notebook filled with certificates of achievement, a master's diploma in Christian counseling, and dozens of letters from the community supporting her release. But in spite of all her achievements and support, Karen does not think her life has real meaning. Only a breath of free air, the ability to help her aging mother and the chance to talk to others about her life's shortcomings in honor of her victim will allow her wholeness she says. *********************************** Thirty-six years ago, another family was decimated. Their oldest son was killed, and they walked through his blood on the stairway of his home. The pain, the anger, the hopelessness of the future without him dealt them a paralyzing blow. Their anguish was indescribable. I understand they did not fully recover. They could not find their way. The parents eventually divorced. Their loss took over their lives. They spent the next thirty-five years making sure their son's death was avenged. They contacted media outlets, traveled across the state to make their appeals, and did everything within their power to make sure paroles or pardons were not granted to any of the three. Recognizing that Karen alone had demonstrated rehabilitation, they said they did not care. They worked to see that the required objective criteria for parole was set aside. They wanted all three to remain in prison the rest of their days. Nothing less would satisfy them. When Karen became the last of the trio to receive a serve-out on the life sentence, meaning she can never be released from prison, they celebrated in the media, and breathed a sigh of relief. "Now we can have peace" the brother was quoted. The family hoped that by permanently removing the three people who reminded them of the worst day of their lives, that they would find wholeness again. Of course, the family was wrong in thinking their lives would finally become free of the anguishing memories these now aging people brought to their minds. Criminal justice reform groups took up Karen's cause. Articles for her support appeared in the paper. A website keeps her plight constantly in the public's attention. Perhaps the family will cringe if they spot a "Free Karen" T-shirt as they walk down the street. Will the hoped -for peace remain with them? ************************************ Is it a tale of traged. A tale of people searching for wholeness that may never come. Who is the closest to wholeness? The one who works consciously each day to make amends for the horrors she has brought onto others but feels she will never be whole? Or the good, but still grieving family who thinks they may again find wholeness with the cost of three lives in payment for their son? I end where we began. Is wholeness possible? If so, do we know when we have it? Is it possible that people who feel they have finally achieved wholeness, have not? And for those who feel wholeness is impossible for them, is it possible they are closer to wholeness than anyone knows? The original chapter by Gaye D. Holman replaced "Karen" with "Rita" for the purpose of publication.